Fuck You and Your Sometimes Love

Fuck the pretenders forget about the fakers.
Cause even though they hate me, I'd rather have haters.
Cause sometimes it sweet, then others its sour.
We can go from love to hate in little more than hours.
You fucken with my energy, you taken all my power,
With this schizophrenic love that grows then wilts like flowers.
It barbaric in its nature, your love has not evolved.
I wish that I had known this before we got involved.
I thought that it was cute you wore your feelings on your sleeve.
And I thought carrying you in my heart would keep the buckle out your knees.
But when I need you to stand tall, you always fall face first.
And where I thought this love a blessing, I'm seeing its a curse.
Cause as long as there are "if" clouds for you to dream of love lasting,
Then you'll pretend you'll give parachute if the planes crashing.
But when reality's in focus and shit is really hard,
You'll say you protecting your credit when you hide your black card.
I must have been an idiot to think that you would change.
With your hood rich mentality and "Lords Prayer" chain.
Cause you don't have a girlfriend, you say you got a wife.
But you couldn't conceive of family to save your fucken life.
And everything's about you and if its not it not important.
And you're the only one who bleeds, everyone else's skins absorbent.
Thank you for for the wasted time, congratulations on your performance.
Now that we've crossed the finish line cause I see now I can't afford this.
Fucken roller coaster fare, that comes with migraines and make-ups.
I'm always high off your nonsense, I just wanna wakeup.
And be loving someone grounded in reality, who loves me just cause.
So you shit bitch good riddance. Fuck You and your sometimes love!!


I don't want a person in my life who will mourn me like breakfast when I die, but never fucken appreciated my value when I was living. Someone who waits for that big issue to come so they can prove they love me, but on a daily they prove they don't even love themselves. Some chick rationing out their love like they're in a war zone. The muthafucker that always got the right shit to say when it's calm, but who ain't looking for me in a storm. Naw, they too busy feeling sorry for themselves because they lost me to fucken find me and help me. To hold my hand when the guns in my face and I say take me not her. Because of that I'm better off alone. Keep your sometimes if you find the time in the right month every other leap year when its 72 degrees and the sun is shining cause no kids in GA pissed the bed last night and only if the cow in Texas who has mad cow disease can be cured by Thursday love. You know who I'm talking to. This is for you.

Contentment: A state of mind.

Theres so much to complain about, be mad about, be sad about, to cry for. Right now I don't want to. The world is so chaotic and stressful. People dieing, innocent children suffering, so many displaced due to hardship, natural disaster and criminal intent. We have so many reasons to say bump this and take pills or slit our wrists vertically not horizontally. Horizontally would be a cry for help. The idea would be to end it all out of desperation and despair.
 Right now I am just grateful that things are not as bad for me and mine as they could be. Things go wrong but it never gets too bad. I want to thank my mom and dad for being irresponsible and getting pregnant at 15 and 18 respectfully. Thanks for being responsible and having me. I know my mom gave up her military dreams to take care of me and my brother. You did a great job. Dad you taught me forgiveness. I'll use that skill forever. And even though he gets on my last nerve being impulsive and inconsiderate, thanks for my brother too. And dad thanks for falling for her. The additional siblings are some of the best gifts I ever got. I love them all equally. Even the one older than me. Love will always be stronger than blood.  More to love and be loved by.
I want to thank my children's father for my three beautiful boys. It wasn't easy and for those who picked up slack while I got it together, Thank You. They are the glue that holds me together. I had more than one opportunity to give up. I promise the pain of pancreatitis will make you want to. My life was so off track that if not for them I probably would have. My children have centered me. While taking the life I dreamed of, they gave me a new one that still fits a lot of what I wanted and more things I didn't know I wanted, but couldn't imagine going without. For me motherhood offered clarity and resolve.
I want to thank my fathers mother for teaching me how to patiently love unconditionally. Through all the mistakes of your children and grandchildren, you smiled and continued to be there without complaint. Your love is the love closest to what I'd imagine a God's to be. You are the most beautiful person I will ever know. Never a strong hand, always a strong heart. You taught me more than I could ever explain. Even though our beliefs differ, you dedication to your beliefs and resiliency to adjusting them gave me strength to hold fast to mine. Thank you so much.
I want to thank my mother's mother for her zest for life. Her disbelief in living life for anyone but self. When you do for others its not because they need you to, but because you genuinely want to help. No regrets. That's how you live. I walk like you and I walk in a footprint that gives me motivation to see the brighter side, the lighter side, the side to bask in. Nothing's too bad.
I thank my youngest uncle for his fight and protection. My youngest aunt for her humor and business sense. My oldest aunt for her strong armed tolerance and my uncle who passed for making me understand the world does not revolve around me. In his own way he made me never take anything personal. Most things people do are a reflection of who they are and their pain, not you. I want to thank all my ancestors before me for teaching the one's who taught me. And all the ones after me for hopefully carrying on what I'll teach them.
I want to thank the people who have no reason to, but choose to love and have me in their life. Thank you for having my back and making sure home is a place I want to come to. Thank you for picking me up in the middle of the night when MARTA is not late, but early. Thank you for struggling with me and my kids when we had nothing and were depending on someone else for survival. Thank you for rides to the store. A laugh every now and then, moral support. Well wishes.
I love me. I love my life. I'm content. And since happiness and contentment are states of mind and not an ideal situation or ideal place, I can be here regardless of how the world is, what my neighbors are doing, what I do and don't have, or where I am versus where I want to be. Thank You.

The Picket Fence May be Extra.

A friend of mine (let’s call her Carla) asked me “How long is long enough to keep trying in a relationship?”

The back story is that Carla has been with the same man for 7 years. He works like if he finishes there won’t be work tomorrow and he’ll get paid for nothing.  He put her in a beautiful home with two cars and they have 2 ½ children that were actually born during the marriage of 5 years. To the outside world they are living the American dream when a lot of people don’t know where their next meal is coming from.

Carla says that her sister; whose situation is quite the opposite mind you, says that she should “Stop complaining and be happy your man has a job.” Still Carla is adamant that while she feels her sister on some levels, she feels empty in her marriage. She says that she sleeps in a bed with a man who financially supports her, rubs her feet when they ache, takes the kids when she needs space, and who even sends flowers just because; yet she’s lonely.

I asked Carla, “Is there anything you gave up to marry him? Any dreams you let die because you had children?”

“NO”, she replied. “Marrying him was my dream.”

Right then I started to lunge for my friend’s throat and play out the scene from a movie I once saw. I’d throw her to the floor and commence to shaking and choking her all the while calling her a “spoiled unappreciative bitch”.  “Do you know how many women would kill to be in your shoes?”  I’d yell in between chokes and shakes. Thank goodness I fought the urge.

Instead I asked, “When’s the last time you had a heart to heart with your husband? She couldn’t remember.  She began venting to me about how her mom’s health was fading and her husband didn’t pretend to care because he doesn’t like her mom.  She talked about how her husband didn’t take part in the emotional stress of her son’s slight disability. It was at this time that I had my revelation.

Carla has a degree in the medical field. Starting her career, plus child support and alimony could keep her bills paid as they are now. When she needs a break she could call a babysitter. When her feet hurt she could go get a pedicure.  Fact is that all the things we were praising her husband for, she could either do or pay someone else to do. The one thing she couldn’t handle was having her own back or being her own support system; hence, her being unfulfilled in her marriage and me daydreaming about choking her in her kitchen.

Fact is, I can’t answer the initial question of when enough is enough. That is a question that only the questionnaire can answer. I will never know how much anyone ever tried to begin with. I can say that a very close friend of mine defined insanity as: doing the exact same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. So if that is the story of your relationship, it may be time to reevaluate it.

But as far as my revelation goes, people have to be aware of what they have to offer and what they are willing to accept in a relationship. Some women are willing to compromise emotional and mental support in exchange for financial support. Some of us will pay our own bills to get the latter.  Hell some of us don’t expect any of these things while others refuse to compromise and are seeking all three facets of offering.  But only you can determine your American dream. And you must be aware that the compromises you make reflect the type of life you will live. Sometimes the picket fence is at a price you’re not willing to pay.

What Chili Wants (Beautiful idiots in love)

My friend and  I were discussing why she: a beautiful, intelligent, successful woman is single. She said to me, "Women are intimidated because I know what I want.".
I immediately thought about the TV show "What Chili Wants". Every time I see the show I cringe at the thought of all the good women making themselves unavailable by implementing ridiculous standards and expecting to find true love.  So I asked her, "What do you want?" She commenced to running off this long ass list of crap that gave me headache to listen to. So I knew anyone trying to meet the ridiculous qualifications on her list would be exhausted by the time they reached # 4; which was that they had to be successful. This woman had no idea that success is relative. So what she really wanted was for someone to first learn her idea of success, adopt it, then spend the rest of their life perusing it with zealous.
I asked her, "Babe, have you ever been fly fishing or scuba diving? Has anyone ever read to you on a blanket under a tree in the fall? You ever been to a poetry reading?
To all these questions she answered no. So I then asked her could she possibly like these things. She goes, "Maybe. I just never thought about it because I've never done those things."
That brought me to my main point. So at that point I asked does she think she could be limiting herself by knowing what she wants. Thing is, what you know you want is relative to what you've experienced. Therefore any person limiting themselves to what they know could be missing out on new experiences that they may have enjoyed.
My theory for finding the one that suits you is not knowing what you want, but being pretty certain about what you don't want. That way you can weed through the characters you've already dated and open yourself up to knew possibilities. You just might find that special someone.