CLOSE THE DOOR AND BE a new way to view your world and your everyday interactions. Welcome to your truth. In this blog I will explore a topic offered to me by my readers and friends. No one will like everything I say. Still, I hope to leave an impression and a new way to view the issue at hand in the end. So, sit back, explore, and appreciate your splendor as you are. And be sure to answer the short survey before you go.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

"Not sorry, I don't believe. Amen."

What would happen if we didn’t rely on books to tell us what was good and bad? Seriously, if the New and Old Testament didn’t exist, penis and booty could go in the same sentence without anyone’s nose twitching. Terms like lesbian, bisexual, gay, and black would be just terms like heterosexual and Caucasian. The world would be great if we didn’t judge anyone past whether or not we wanted them in our lives? Phrases like “You live how you want, just not around me” wouldn’t be considered cruel because no one would say “You can go to Hell on your own watch” afterward. And when they said “goodbye”, it wouldn’t be with snobbish pride for their “strength” to follow GOD and not do whatever it is you’re doing.

I find it amazing that when I tell an atheist that I could have figured out “Thou shalt not kill” on my own, they agree that there is a time and place for everything. There should be no killing outside of legitimate war. But when I tell a Christian they believe I only know this because it was in the Bible first. They can’t fathom that one death would have been enough to realize that someone lost a mother, a father, a friend. I wouldn’t want someone to kill me, so I’d say it was bad. And see, at first I thought that the Bible had brainwashed the masses. But really, the stories written in the bible are so farfetched that most can only believe them if they really want to. The Bible to a rational thinker is the equivalent of telling a 5 year old that Santa delivered the bike, he just asked you to put it together for him. Even a five yr old would ask “So what do Santa’s helpers do?” The creators of christianty were very intelligent. They realized that while some people were like them and lived in a reality that they could act as self-dictators in, most were not. And for those, they granted a Savior.

And a GOD was created by His creation to lead us. To stand as an overbearing parent that interferes in our daily lives to guide us and test our loyalty (obligation) to Him. He was given human qualities so we could relate to him, omnipotence so we would exalt Him and an enemy (Satan) so we could blame everything “They” did on him. And for blacks, from this came the cycle of their wrongs to us, and our prayers: unanswered. And we found our safe and abiding complacency in the crumbs we were given along the way. We feigned fullness and even denied our thirst in idle acceptance of what we knew was…nothing. When we were tired of fighting any fight we solaced ourselves with incredulous statements like “It’s in GOD’s hands”. And we put down our weapons and said no blood for blood; “Thou shalt not kill” then reveled in our disappointments on earth by shouting our decorated air castles of grandeur, golden streets, and mansions for all in a place we imagined called Heaven.

This GOD we chose was our docile attempt to debunk the legitimacy of being no more than just another creation created and left to fend for itself. And out of this denial, Blacks got what we have today.

“Thank ya masser for freein us from slavery. We just gone keep these mind shackles of racism, contrived equality, and closeted abuse. And we promise when we prove ourselves intelligent in school and you choose our top ten and take them out the ghettos, we’ll gobble them crumbs like steak. And they’ll try and be so much like you that we won’t trust them to lead us anymore. So we’ll stay in the ghetto without leaders. We’ll call our should have been leaders Oreos while they look down on us in disdain heightened by their revelation of our “Blackness”. We promise while you put schools in the ghettos with apartments and base education funding on property taxes, we’ll stay there and not even learn that much. No sir, we won’t dare move to your upper-class neighborhoods by the masses. You can sprinkle us flies in the milk that is your society, as you see fit, while we lie unmoved in the ghettos you gave us and carry out all the plans that were laid out in the “Willie Lynch Letter”. I’ll push my daughter to independence and coddle my son until the roles are permanently reversed and the family structure is no more. I promise I’ll sell your drugs and kill my brothers as if only to prove that I hate myself and my people. And when you arrest me unequally and put me in your cages of artificial retribution as if you are a hero in a cycle you created, I’ll convince myself I deserve it and swallow the pain of being subhuman as if it were thumbtacks. But no, I won’t fight. “I’ll put it in GOD’s hands”. I’ll go to church, pay my tides, and pray about it."


Sunday, May 16, 2010

"Big Bad Wolf"

The other day I overheard a woman say, “I hate people who wear white shoes under dark bottoms. It looks so trashy.” I thought to myself, “Yeah lady, I’m sure those people hate people who start off sentences with “I hate people who…”” Then I realized it’s me who strongly dislikes people like her. Fact is that I don’t like to see people with light shoes and dark bottoms either, but I don’t hate people for it. I don’t think its right for me to punish people with my hate because of their fashion sense. It’s not going to make the public school system a better bureaucracy if they wear dark bottoms with dark shoes.  This applies to any and everything.
For instance, I can be pissed at Octo-mom forever that she had all those kids under her mom’s roof and can’t take care of them. But fact is that I left my husband out the blue and moved in on my mom selfishly too. Then, as if only to make matters worse, I got knocked up with twins when I didn’t have a job, any money, and I was still living with her. Am I better than octo-mom because my kids all have the same father and last name? No! I’m just as blessed as she is to have a mom that stuck it out and helped when she had every reason not to. Granted, it was a lot easier for me to get it together with only three as opposed to the 14 octo-mom has. But that’s her cross to bear. I think all my children should be here.
Then there’s peoples morbid hate for women like Anna Nichole Smith. Come on. It was pretty obvious what Anna was doing. I don’t have a problem with a woman who has established her worth and then went on to to find her soul mate. Who are you to tell her she’s priceless when she’s told you she’s a dime? And I can’t feel sorry for any man who went on to looking for “love”. He’s already established his value. Who are you to tell him he deserves someone who loves him for him when he’s told you he’s an atm. Think about it people; are women really mad at Anna for taking some old guys money. They don’t even know him. They’re mad because Anna was enjoying all the shit they couldn’t because they settled for someone they used to enjoy sleeping with. HAH!! Now that the passions gone they wish they had the money to compensate. Men are just as bad. They’re too busy thinking, “Man, if I had money like that…” to realize that Anna didn’t dig for gold. I mean it’s not like she dressed up and pretended to be a “Michele Obama” then went after the president.
Fact is that if I want to hate anyone, I should start with myself. I mean, it takes nothing to hate others. But it takes a whole lot of honesty and tears to hate yourself. For instance, I use people. No; really I do. At a young age I identified a stable relationship as one where the parties use each other for whatever reasons. As long as no one “feels” more used than the other then the relationship will continue to be stable. Think about it. Isn’t that what most of the arguments boil down to? Does “We’re not making love anymore” not compute to {you’re not using me for sex anymore and therefore bringing imbalance to usage scales and probably giving value to someone else}. The disharmony in the relationship doesn’t come from the cheating itself; it comes from not sleeping with the partner. It’s the imbalance in the usage scales that bring up the idea of an affair in the first place.
 I explain this to people soon after I meet them. But some insiders still look at me as the “Big Bad Wolf” and feel sorry for the person who went on to The only things in this life that I feel bad for is 1) eloping, because my dad should have given me away and my mom should have had the pleasure of snarling at my future ex-husband from the front row. 2)  Moving back in with my mom after leaving my husband. And 3) risking the friendship that I had with my best friend by selfishly believing she was being honest when she asked for the life I chose. I knew better when she didn’t and I did it anyways. Regardless of what anyone says, the love was there. It just wasn’t enough like she wanted to prove to me it was. That time I was “The Big Bad Wolf”. I just hope she knows I’m sorry.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Can anyone say "REJECTED" Ouch!

A buddy of mine had been dating a person for over two months. She claimed that this person was everything she had ever dreamed of in a mate. He has a level head, a career, realistic ambitions, big heart and was more than mildly attractive. So, me being the caring friend I am, I asked how everything was going with this person. She said, “He bit the dust!”
“What!” I exclaimed. “You said he was good money!”
“Any money is good money nowadays.” She whined. “You don’t know what it’s like to get rejected. You always get what you want. Who’d fuck over Mother Earth?” (Apparently no one told her about the hole in the ozone layer.)
Now, a couple of months ago two things would have happened. 1) I would have agreed that I don’t get rejected and 2) I would have spouted off a few cliché’s all boiling down to “Anyone who can’t see your splendor doesn’t deserve you”. But life has an annoying way of forcing one to reevaluate their truths…..
I had been talking to a person who I’ll name Cautious for the sake of name-calling and not putting me on blast. Here I was thinking we were getting to know each other and even falling for each other. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I was telling her about my ex who I then lived with and was trying to help get her life back together because I love so hard. I was exclaiming about all my big-hearted/ open-minded ambitions, my free spirit and my three beautiful boys that I wanted to leave an empire. Ironically, what Cautious was hearing is that I didn’t know how to let go of the past and I obviously had a debilitating co-dependent relationship with my ex. AND,  if I didn’t get that straight I’d never reach my full potential so all my other plans are downhill from there. Bad part is that she didn’t think to inform me of this. I broke off even the friendship after realizing I was in that zone and didn’t want to be there. But, not even a week after we stopped talking I saw she was “in love” from her posting on Can anyone say “REJECTED”. Ouch!
Fact is, what I was too co-dependent to realize is that shit is shit. People who get rejected are usually doing one of three things: 1) shitting all over their house, 2) not cleaning the shit that is already hardening , or 3) allowing someone else to shit all over their house. I was number 3. My entire life I prided myself on being a lady and knowing when to leave, but I wouldn’t leave my ex to save my life. I foolishly believed her to be my best friend. I was such an idiot. But what can I say, I did it to myself.
Now I’m dating or re-dating someone who was good for all the wrong reasons back then, but is now just good for me. She put up the caution sign too. “We’ll take it slow and see what happens.” she says. Cautious is hopefully enjoying life and love. And I don’t even know where my ex is anymore. I’m so free, and it looks good on me.
So, the next time you find yourself getting rejected, put down the bucket of cookie dough/ cookie dough  ice-cream and ask yourself, “What am I doing or allowing others to do to my house that makes company not want to come over and stay a while?” You might find that you were the problem all along. The best part about that is “If you’re the problem, then you can also be the solution.” Who knows, maybe I’ll grow enough to invite Cautious and her love on a double date…probably not. But maybe I’ll request her friendship again on  You know, after the sting wares off. Thanks Cautious.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

The Picket Fence May be Extra.

A friend of mine (let’s call her Carla) asked me “How long is long enough to keep trying in a relationship?”
The back story is that Carla has been with the same man for 7 years. He works like if he finishes there won’t be work tomorrow and he’ll get paid for nothing.  He put her in a beautiful home with two cars and they have 2 ½ children that were actually born during the marriage of 5 years. To the outside world they are living the American dream when a lot of people don’t know where their next meal is coming from.
Carla says that her sister; whose situation is quite the opposite mind you, says that she should “Stop complaining and be happy your man has a job.” Still Carla is adamant that while she feels her sister on some levels, she feels empty in her marriage. She says that she sleeps in a bed with a man who financially supports her, rubs her feet when they ache, takes the kids when she needs space, and who even sends flowers just because; yet she’s lonely.
I asked Carla, “Is there anything you gave up to marry him? Any dreams you let die because you had children?”
“NO”, she replied. “Marrying him was my dream.”
Right then I started to lunge for my friend’s throat and play out the scene from a movie I once saw. I’d throw her to the floor and commence to shaking and choking her all the while calling her a “spoiled unappreciative bitch”.  “Do you know how many women would kill to be in your shoes?”  I’d yell in between chokes and shakes. Thank goodness I fought the urge.
Instead I asked, “When’s the last time you had a heart to heart with your husband? She couldn’t remember.  She began venting to me about how her mom’s health was fading and her husband didn’t pretend to care because he doesn’t like her mom.  She talked about how her husband didn’t take part in the emotional stress of her son’s slight disability. It was at this time that I had my revelation.
Carla has a degree in the medical field. Starting her career, plus child support and alimony could keep her bills paid as they are now. When she needs a break she could call a babysitter. When her feet hurt she could go get a pedicure.  Fact is that all the things we were praising her husband for, she could either do or pay someone else to do. The one thing she couldn’t handle was having her own back or being her own support system; hence, her being unfulfilled in her marriage and me daydreaming about choking her in her kitchen.
Fact is, I can’t answer the initial question of when enough is enough. That is a question that only the questionnaire can answer. I will never know how much anyone ever tried to begin with. I can say that a very close friend of mine defined insanity as: doing the exact same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. So if that is the story of your relationship, it may be time to reevaluate it.
But as far as my revelation goes, people have to be aware of what they have to offer and what they are willing to accept in a relationship. Some women are willing to compromise emotional and mental support in exchange for financial support. Some of us will pay our own bills to get the latter.  Hell some of us don’t expect any of these things while others refuse to compromise and are seeking all three facets of offering.  But only you can determine your American dream. And you must be aware that the compromises you make reflect the type of life you will live. Sometimes the picket fence is at a price you’re not willing to pay.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

What Chili Wants (Beautiful idiots in love)

My friend and  I were discussing why she: a beautiful, intelligent, successful woman is single. She said to me, "Women are intimidated because I know what I want.".
I immediately thought about the TV show "What Chili Wants". Every time I see the show I cringe at the thought of all the good women making themselves unavailable by implementing ridiculous standards and expecting to find true love.  So I asked her, "What do you want?" She commenced to running off this long ass list of crap that gave me headache to listen to. So I knew anyone trying to meet the ridiculous qualifications on her list would be exhausted by the time they reached # 4; which was that they had to be successful. This woman had no idea that success is relative. So what she really wanted was for someone to first learn her idea of success, adopt it, then spend the rest of their life perusing it with zealous.
I asked her, "Babe, have you ever been fly fishing or scuba diving? Has anyone ever read to you on a blanket under a tree in the fall? You ever been to a poetry reading?
To all these questions she answered no. So I then asked her could she possibly like these things. She goes, "Maybe. I just never thought about it because I've never done those things."
That brought me to my main point. So at that point I asked does she think she could be limiting herself by knowing what she wants. Thing is, what you know you want is relative to what you've experienced. Therefore any person limiting themselves to what they know could be missing out on new experiences that they may have enjoyed.
My theory for finding the one that suits you is not knowing what you want, but being pretty certain about what you don't want. That way you can weed through the characters you've already dated and open yourself up to knew possibilities. You just might find that special someone.