CLOSE THE DOOR AND BE a new way to view your world and your everyday interactions. Welcome to your truth. In this blog I will explore a topic offered to me by my readers and friends. No one will like everything I say. Still, I hope to leave an impression and a new way to view the issue at hand in the end. So, sit back, explore, and appreciate your splendor as you are. And be sure to answer the short survey before you go.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Love/ Relationships & Agnosticism

This post by my FBF Andrae Williams made me think long and hard about the people in the world I live in. The question was "[What do atheists] think about love? Since their definition of Christ has changed or they never believed in god has their definition of love or relationship changed?" When I saw this I didn't post because I feared I would just go too far, but after calming down I had to speak on it. I have a few points I want to make clear.

1. The concept of Christ began approximately 2000 years ago. Have you ever heard of a time called B.C. This means Before Christ. The initial question in retrospect is actually questioning whether there was love, compassion, guilt, and all other human emotions Before Christ. For anyone who hadn't figured it out, there was. People were not miraculously made human when Christ came. Look it up. That wasn't one of his miracles. With that being said, the love I give is not given out of religious obligation. I don't believe in a mansion in the sky because I helped people. I love because it is in me to love. My compassion for others is apart of who I am. When I feel guilt it is because I am grounded in the person I am and there is an inate quality in me that seeks fairness and justice. I do this not for reward after I die, or because I expect anything in return.

2. The idea of relationships. Look this up: Augustus Ceasar. If not for this man realizing that the population in Rome would grow vast swiftly rendering itself unmanageable by government, there wouldn't have ever been a concept of marriage. Yes sweetie, marriage is an institution. Does this mean that I will not partake in marriage? No. The idea is simply met with scrutiny and the realization that it is not obligation but choice that guides me. With this being acknowledged as a choice, I take full responsibility in the promises I make and the magnitude of my crimes in breaking my vows. I do this because I am fair and just, not because God told me to. I am more faithful, honest, and forthcoming now that I do not believe in the conventional or Christian God.

3. I was born to a Mother and a father. I believe that any impact a God/ Creator would have had on who I am was simply in my creation. IE; God would have created the science that made it possible for me to be born and it was his idea to give me ten fingers and ten toes. Do I believe he is sitting in the sky listening for me to ask for help? Of course not. A creator as evolved as he would have to be would not understand my minute problems (His view) or even speak my language. He would be off creating in this vast landscape of a universe. The greatest gift one could offer a God would be to show him that his creation was created well enough to sustain without him. For a human-like robot that needs one to menuever it's arms and legs is less artificial intelligence and more a mere puppet. And that's just not that spectacular. As an adult I do not need another father to guide me. My father probably feels he could have done more, but to me he did enough.

For me all life is a choice. I don't believe in sin. Simply right and wrong is enough. I voice my complaints once and then move on because I still hold the choice to kill myself or change my situation. Complaints and prayers do nothing. I am as honest as possible not because I want a God to love me, but because I love me and no one else can unless they know the real me. For the past few months I haven't been writing my blog or notes because I have been working hard to get my book ready for it's first professional edit. I need people to know where I'm coming from. Self-Propelled Evolution. Adapt it.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Day You Died

The day you died I mourned you by yelling to the top of my lungs at you about how full of shit you were to begin.
The day you died I called you an idiot and cursed the day I met you or ever considered you a friend.
The day you died I felt freer of you than I had ever felt or ever imagined. 
The day you died I wasn't ok that it happened how it happened.
The day you died I went and got my son's haircuts and stopped at Micky D's.
The day you died I cried a thousand tears selfishly for my own reprieve. T
he day you died I slept alone and you slept in front of the window you'd broken.
The day you died all my anger and resentment was like Pandora's Box had been opened.
The day you died I called you bitch and every other word I could think of. 
The day you died you knew to stay away from me because even I didn't know what I was on the brink of.
The day you died was one I could never have imagined as realistic.
The day you died was simply the day I accepted that you have never existed.

*A New Day & This Don't Make Sense*

I have had people in my life for years; people who didn't get me, couldn't do for me but couldn't last without me. We've grown apart. No longer do you know you need me. No longer does your call do anything but aggrivate me anyways. You're single tracking in your thoughts and activities. Your "friendship" if that, no longer means shit to me.

Smile, why are you so angry and bitter. Life has never been as hard as you make it. You can try and pass that resentment all you want but I won't take it. You standing still blocking lanes and causing accidents all around you. You don't see this mayhem? Life's too short for useless interactions. My words no longer reach you, so whatever happens just happens. I wanted a fuck for the rd but your mouthpiece proved useless and your phallus overused. All the while you bitched about what bitch gave her pussy to who.

Your rants are almost womanly. Your strength is in how loud you yell, never in what yo're saying. And you yell that you're rolling for keeps in a dice game you swear that you ain't playen. It's confusion, it's rediculousness, it's you. It's who you've allowed yourself to become. It pains me that years ago I saw so much potential in you and now I see how you wasted it. Denial is strong, strong.

You can't beat knowledge into people's skulls sweetie. Especially when you don't practice what you're preaching. Your rants are hipocritical. So what you're a king when you don't understand the magnitued of your purpose or how to execute it. I'm impatient with your many imperfections, restless with your assaults of everyone else's indiscretions. Done tryna make you see past your own bullshit. It's a new day. And this don't make sense. Good Luck with all you do.

"Why do you keep bringing me down man? Why you keep bringing me down. DON'T BRING ME DOWN."

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Insidious Perfection

Insidious: in·sid·i·ous  (n-sd-s)

  1. Working or spreading harmfully in a subtle or stealthy manner:insidious rumors; an insidious disease.
  2. Intended to entrap; treacherous: insidious misinformation.
  3. Beguiling but harmful; alluring: insidious pleasures
Did you know your mind can be your worst enemy? Things that you allow into your mind whether real or imagined can ruin who you are and in fact kill the potential of the person you can be. I had a person tell me a long time ago that they were trying to reach their full potential by "being as close to perfection in God's eyes as humanly possibly". Back then I was 12 yrs old and my grasp of things real had been clouded by what others imagined. So when she told me this I thought it beautiful and I congratulated her faith in her beliefs. I thought "She'll definitely get into heaven thinking like that".

Now skip to 14 years later when I think for myself and my beliefs are my own and not borrowed from someone who borrowed them from someone else. I look back and I think "That lady probably wasted a  lot of years on her dumb ass insidious idea of perfection. What is perfection other than an idea relative to what a person knows and has experienced. Perfection is like beauty. It's in the eyes of the beholder. A person seeking to be what any other considers perfect is doomed to fail because a beholders idea of perfection changes randomly with each new connection made in the relative thought process.

A friend of mine recently had me ponder this? God is perfection according to Christianity. And according to the Bible, God told Man to rule over his house and to rule over the earth. When Man falls short of this duty he is told that he is not a man of God for he has fallen short of God's Glory. But was it not God who could not rule over his own angels and in turn allowed the angel we now call Satan to manifest? In the beginning we were perfect like Him, remember? In the end it was that we believed to have created perfection that proved itself imperfect. 

I asked a person I considered a religious and holy thinker about this. He had no concrete answers at first.  He made a point of bringing up the universal Christian belief that "A Saint is just a sinner who fell down and got up". He said that God allowed for the imperfections in man by allowing us to ask for and receive forgiveness. But my thoughts were that man is not to judge man because no man is without sin. You know the "He without sin cast the first stone" thing. But in relationship to the Bible, it was God's imperfection that created the imperfections within us all since it is the devil that God created who is made responsible for the sins within us. That religious thinker told me "And that is the test. So you see God tested his Angels then cast those that failed out of heaven. He then had room to allow us in and tested us for entry." 

Wow, I thought. So I said "If I accidentally knocked over your coffee and in the bottom of the cup you found residue of rat poison, could I then change my mind and say it was on purpose. He said "God works in mysterious ways. If that happened I would say he worked through you". As I was leaving I saw him take his cup of morning coffee and pour it down the sink. The look on his face was one of relief. I think he was happy to have found suitable answers to difficult questions. But the coffee down the sink said I had proven my point.

Which brings me to the next point. If a person robs a bank and then we later find that the bank was about to fold and take all the money anyways, then the person that robbed the bank says "oh I knew that would happen that's why I did it. I'll give the people who had accounts back their money depending on if they meet criteria that I set." How is this guy qualified to set standards and judge? Is he not still a thief?

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Fuck You and Your Sometimes Love

Fuck the pretenders forget about the fakers.
Cause even though they hate me, I'd rather have haters.
Cause sometimes it sweet, then others its sour.
We can go from love to hate in little more than hours.
You fucken with my energy, you taken all my power,
With this schizophrenic love that grows then wilts like flowers.
It barbaric in its nature, your love has not evolved.
I wish that I had known this before we got involved.
I thought that it was cute you wore your feelings on your sleeve.
And I thought carrying you in my heart would keep the buckle out your knees.
But when I need you to stand tall, you always fall face first.
And where I thought this love a blessing, I'm seeing its a curse.
Cause as long as there are "if" clouds for you to dream of love lasting,
Then you'll pretend you'll give parachute if the planes crashing.
But when reality's in focus and shit is really hard,
You'll say you protecting your credit when you hide your black card.
I must have been an idiot to think that you would change.
With your hood rich mentality and "Lords Prayer" chain.
Cause you don't have a girlfriend, you say you got a wife.
But you couldn't conceive of family to save your fucken life.
And everything's about you and if its not it not important.
And you're the only one who bleeds, everyone else's skins absorbent.
Thank you for for the wasted time, congratulations on your performance.
Now that we've crossed the finish line cause I see now I can't afford this.
Fucken roller coaster fare, that comes with migraines and make-ups.
I'm always high off your nonsense, I just wanna wakeup.
And be loving someone grounded in reality, who loves me just cause.
So you shit bitch good riddance. Fuck You and your sometimes love!!

I don't want a person in my life who will mourn me like breakfast when I die, but never fucken appreciated my value when I was living. Someone who waits for that big issue to come so they can prove they love me, but on a daily they prove they don't even love themselves. Some chick rationing out their love like they're in a war zone. The muthafucker that always got the right shit to say when it's calm, but who ain't looking for me in a storm. Naw, they too busy feeling sorry for themselves because they lost me to fucken find me and help me. To hold my hand when the guns in my face and I say take me not her. Because of that I'm better off alone. Keep your sometimes if you find the time in the right month every other leap year when its 72 degrees and the sun is shining cause no kids in GA pissed the bed last night and only if the cow in Texas who has mad cow disease can be cured by Thursday love. You know who I'm talking to. This is for you.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Contentment: A state of mind.

Theres so much to complain about, be mad about, be sad about, to cry for. Right now I don't want to. The world is so chaotic and stressful. People dieing, innocent children suffering, so many displaced due to hardship, natural disaster and criminal intent. We have so many reasons to say bump this and take pills or slit our wrists vertically not horizontally. Horizontally would be a cry for help. The idea would be to end it all out of desperation and despair.
 Right now I am just grateful that things are not as bad for me and mine as they could be. Things go wrong but it never gets too bad. I want to thank my mom and dad for being irresponsible and getting pregnant at 15 and 18 respectfully. Thanks for being responsible and having me. I know my mom gave up her military dreams to take care of me and my brother. You did a great job. Dad you taught me forgiveness. I'll use that skill forever. And even though he gets on my last nerve being impulsive and inconsiderate, thanks for my brother too. And dad thanks for falling for her. The additional siblings are some of the best gifts I ever got. I love them all equally. Even the one older than me. Love will always be stronger than blood.  More to love and be loved by.
I want to thank my children's father for my three beautiful boys. It wasn't easy and for those who picked up slack while I got it together, Thank You. They are the glue that holds me together. I had more than one opportunity to give up. I promise the pain of pancreatitis will make you want to. My life was so off track that if not for them I probably would have. My children have centered me. While taking the life I dreamed of, they gave me a new one that still fits a lot of what I wanted and more things I didn't know I wanted, but couldn't imagine going without. For me motherhood offered clarity and resolve.
I want to thank my fathers mother for teaching me how to patiently love unconditionally. Through all the mistakes of your children and grandchildren, you smiled and continued to be there without complaint. Your love is the love closest to what I'd imagine a God's to be. You are the most beautiful person I will ever know. Never a strong hand, always a strong heart. You taught me more than I could ever explain. Even though our beliefs differ, you dedication to your beliefs and resiliency to adjusting them gave me strength to hold fast to mine. Thank you so much.
I want to thank my mother's mother for her zest for life. Her disbelief in living life for anyone but self. When you do for others its not because they need you to, but because you genuinely want to help. No regrets. That's how you live. I walk like you and I walk in a footprint that gives me motivation to see the brighter side, the lighter side, the side to bask in. Nothing's too bad.
I thank my youngest uncle for his fight and protection. My youngest aunt for her humor and business sense. My oldest aunt for her strong armed tolerance and my uncle who passed for making me understand the world does not revolve around me. In his own way he made me never take anything personal. Most things people do are a reflection of who they are and their pain, not you. I want to thank all my ancestors before me for teaching the one's who taught me. And all the ones after me for hopefully carrying on what I'll teach them.
I want to thank the people who have no reason to, but choose to love and have me in their life. Thank you for having my back and making sure home is a place I want to come to. Thank you for picking me up in the middle of the night when MARTA is not late, but early. Thank you for struggling with me and my kids when we had nothing and were depending on someone else for survival. Thank you for rides to the store. A laugh every now and then, moral support. Well wishes.
I love me. I love my life. I'm content. And since happiness and contentment are states of mind and not an ideal situation or ideal place, I can be here regardless of how the world is, what my neighbors are doing, what I do and don't have, or where I am versus where I want to be. Thank You.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

The world does not revolve around you boo boo!!!

People are selfless, considerate, and nonjudgmental. I’m serious. The problem is that we confuse terms while acting irrationally then disguise them as good or blame it on our wonderful upbringing, open hearts and my favorite; Jesus. A pastor would say that the bible teaches one to be selfless, to do unto others as you would like them to do unto you, and only GOD can judge. Let’s explore this a bit more thoroughly.

A selfless person is one who does things for others. If I need something , a selfless person should give to me in spite of themselves. Good person right? On the other hand, a selfish person is one who does things for themselves. If I need something, a selfish person will not give it. Bullshit. What this actually means is that if I get something from a selfish person, I got it because they wanted me to have it, not because I needed it. The best part of that is a person who gives you something because they want you to have it does not expect anything in return. This is the person who buys flowers just because. Where as a selfless person who gave in spite of themselves in turn expects you to do the same for them. A person who gives in spite of themselves does not value themselves and in turn does not value others. In a relationship a selfless person will buy you nice gifts and expect "gifts" in return. They in turn are never satisfied. Eventually they will decide the return on their investment is not in surplus and stop investing. (I just explained why alot of relationships don't work.)

In exploring considerate, we have to keep in mind that I’m speaking about a selfless-consideration. Remember the person who does not value themselves. Yeah! Now we’re talking about how they didn’t call when they were going to be late. There time is not important. Why is yours? What makes you so special? What you think you're Father Time now? They were selflessly giving of themselves to another. There were other things they could have been doing and they were not complaining. So why are you complaining for having to wait? Could you believe that a selfishly considerate person who values their own time will actually value yours too? That person would say, “I want her to call me when she’s late so I’m not going to give her an excuse not to”.  Crazy logic isn’t it. (I just explained why America is never on time. Could this really be an argument to genuinely seperate religion and state.)

You know Christians are not judgmental. Nope, not at all. Remember, they do for others selflessly. So they take time out of their busy lives to assist Jesus in getting your life together as they see fit. They never get to the judging part. They’re too busy trying to save you from a Hell they imagined while selflessly considering that there is no way you don’t drink water and you like it real hot. You feel me. There’s no way in this life anyone would prefer their idea of Hell to their Idea of Heaven. You see, judgment is something passed. So when you pass judgment, you sentence the person and move on. If a selfish person judges your lifestyle as one they want no parts of, they leave you alone. Real simple right? The judgment is “something about you is undesirable”. The punishment is “we will not associate”. ( I just explained why we should stay the fuck out of each others business and worry about ourselves.)

I was a selflessly-considerate, non-judgmental person. I was miserable, so why shouldn’t everyone else be. I selflessly considered my mom when I did a lot of dumb shit. I was giving of myself in spite of me and her. I didn't value myself so I made her give her time and life energy worrying about me. I had a hero complex too. I wasted countless hours and emotions trying to save people who didn’t want to be saved. Damnit, they liked whatever they were doing.  I didn’t get better until I reevaluated what I was saving them from. What Hell? Get real. I wasn’t saving anyone from Hell. I was doing what others wanted in spite of myself and expecting others to be miserable with me. (I just explained why people knowingly spread HIV. A selfless person does not value theier body or yours. They get HIV giving of themselves in spite of themselves, then pass it on in spite of others. A selfish person who values themselves would protect themselves and in turn protect others as well. )

A painter doesn’t paint a picture then stand over it for the rest of his life repainting any part that fades. When he gives it to someone he can’t put stipulations on it that punish the person for how he interprets it or where he hangs it, or even who inherits it after the owner is long gone. For if he did, he couldn’t pay someone to take it off his hands. (Hopefully you caught how I just explained why a lot of people commit suicide.) I refuse to believe that my creator left a list of things for me to do in the meantime, to guarantee me an afterlife that I may not want and very well may not get anyways; since it may not exist.

I am selfish, selfishly considerate, and judgmental. I don’t give money to homeless people because they need it. For all I know they may be living better than me. I give them money because I want them to have it. I take people into my home because I can’t sleep with the idea of them having nowhere to sleep. I don’t expect anything in return for this because I got what I needed. I slept. You feel me. I selfishly consider others because I want them to selfishly consider me. I value my life, my love, spiritual freedom, time, energy, etc. And in turn I value others and theirs. And hell yeah I judge others. You have to, that shit could save your life. I value my feelings, so if I get a bad vibe, then you get gone. End of discussion. Judgment passed, sentence rendered.

Fact is that the world is not a bad place. We have been ill-advised, misinformed and "bamboozled". Most of us are confused, so we appear bad when we actually just have low self-esteem, a twisted view of ourselves, and believe the world revolves around us. The books of the bible were written by people who believed the world was flat. They thought that the heavens were in the clouds and hell was just below the dirt on earth’s surface on the flip side. They had the luxury of believing themselves to be singular. But here today we question life outside our earth. We know the world isn’t flat and we know that the ideas practiced then, make no sense now. Earth is merely a point in space. Get over it. The world has not, does not, nor will it ever revolve around you BOO BOO!!!

This for that chick on the bus that told me she was a God-Fearing Christain and she wanted to help make sure she saw me again in heaven. I politely told her "It's your right to live in fear if you want. But no thank you for the help. I like it hot!!!" I wish I had some cards for the blog. I would have given her one. LOL.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

"Not sorry, I don't believe. Amen."

What would happen if we didn’t rely on books to tell us what was good and bad? Seriously, if the New and Old Testament didn’t exist, penis and booty could go in the same sentence without anyone’s nose twitching. Terms like lesbian, bisexual, gay, and black would be just terms like heterosexual and Caucasian. The world would be great if we didn’t judge anyone past whether or not we wanted them in our lives? Phrases like “You live how you want, just not around me” wouldn’t be considered cruel because no one would say “You can go to Hell on your own watch” afterward. And when they said “goodbye”, it wouldn’t be with snobbish pride for their “strength” to follow GOD and not do whatever it is you’re doing.

I find it amazing that when I tell an atheist that I could have figured out “Thou shalt not kill” on my own, they agree that there is a time and place for everything. There should be no killing outside of legitimate war. But when I tell a Christian they believe I only know this because it was in the Bible first. They can’t fathom that one death would have been enough to realize that someone lost a mother, a father, a friend. I wouldn’t want someone to kill me, so I’d say it was bad. And see, at first I thought that the Bible had brainwashed the masses. But really, the stories written in the bible are so farfetched that most can only believe them if they really want to. The Bible to a rational thinker is the equivalent of telling a 5 year old that Santa delivered the bike, he just asked you to put it together for him. Even a five yr old would ask “So what do Santa’s helpers do?” The creators of christianty were very intelligent. They realized that while some people were like them and lived in a reality that they could act as self-dictators in, most were not. And for those, they granted a Savior.

And a GOD was created by His creation to lead us. To stand as an overbearing parent that interferes in our daily lives to guide us and test our loyalty (obligation) to Him. He was given human qualities so we could relate to him, omnipotence so we would exalt Him and an enemy (Satan) so we could blame everything “They” did on him. And for blacks, from this came the cycle of their wrongs to us, and our prayers: unanswered. And we found our safe and abiding complacency in the crumbs we were given along the way. We feigned fullness and even denied our thirst in idle acceptance of what we knew was…nothing. When we were tired of fighting any fight we solaced ourselves with incredulous statements like “It’s in GOD’s hands”. And we put down our weapons and said no blood for blood; “Thou shalt not kill” then reveled in our disappointments on earth by shouting our decorated air castles of grandeur, golden streets, and mansions for all in a place we imagined called Heaven.

This GOD we chose was our docile attempt to debunk the legitimacy of being no more than just another creation created and left to fend for itself. And out of this denial, Blacks got what we have today.

“Thank ya masser for freein us from slavery. We just gone keep these mind shackles of racism, contrived equality, and closeted abuse. And we promise when we prove ourselves intelligent in school and you choose our top ten and take them out the ghettos, we’ll gobble them crumbs like steak. And they’ll try and be so much like you that we won’t trust them to lead us anymore. So we’ll stay in the ghetto without leaders. We’ll call our should have been leaders Oreos while they look down on us in disdain heightened by their revelation of our “Blackness”. We promise while you put schools in the ghettos with apartments and base education funding on property taxes, we’ll stay there and not even learn that much. No sir, we won’t dare move to your upper-class neighborhoods by the masses. You can sprinkle us flies in the milk that is your society, as you see fit, while we lie unmoved in the ghettos you gave us and carry out all the plans that were laid out in the “Willie Lynch Letter”. I’ll push my daughter to independence and coddle my son until the roles are permanently reversed and the family structure is no more. I promise I’ll sell your drugs and kill my brothers as if only to prove that I hate myself and my people. And when you arrest me unequally and put me in your cages of artificial retribution as if you are a hero in a cycle you created, I’ll convince myself I deserve it and swallow the pain of being subhuman as if it were thumbtacks. But no, I won’t fight. “I’ll put it in GOD’s hands”. I’ll go to church, pay my tides, and pray about it."


Sunday, May 16, 2010

"Big Bad Wolf"

The other day I overheard a woman say, “I hate people who wear white shoes under dark bottoms. It looks so trashy.” I thought to myself, “Yeah lady, I’m sure those people hate people who start off sentences with “I hate people who…”” Then I realized it’s me who strongly dislikes people like her. Fact is that I don’t like to see people with light shoes and dark bottoms either, but I don’t hate people for it. I don’t think its right for me to punish people with my hate because of their fashion sense. It’s not going to make the public school system a better bureaucracy if they wear dark bottoms with dark shoes.  This applies to any and everything.
For instance, I can be pissed at Octo-mom forever that she had all those kids under her mom’s roof and can’t take care of them. But fact is that I left my husband out the blue and moved in on my mom selfishly too. Then, as if only to make matters worse, I got knocked up with twins when I didn’t have a job, any money, and I was still living with her. Am I better than octo-mom because my kids all have the same father and last name? No! I’m just as blessed as she is to have a mom that stuck it out and helped when she had every reason not to. Granted, it was a lot easier for me to get it together with only three as opposed to the 14 octo-mom has. But that’s her cross to bear. I think all my children should be here.
Then there’s peoples morbid hate for women like Anna Nichole Smith. Come on. It was pretty obvious what Anna was doing. I don’t have a problem with a woman who has established her worth and then went on to to find her soul mate. Who are you to tell her she’s priceless when she’s told you she’s a dime? And I can’t feel sorry for any man who went on to looking for “love”. He’s already established his value. Who are you to tell him he deserves someone who loves him for him when he’s told you he’s an atm. Think about it people; are women really mad at Anna for taking some old guys money. They don’t even know him. They’re mad because Anna was enjoying all the shit they couldn’t because they settled for someone they used to enjoy sleeping with. HAH!! Now that the passions gone they wish they had the money to compensate. Men are just as bad. They’re too busy thinking, “Man, if I had money like that…” to realize that Anna didn’t dig for gold. I mean it’s not like she dressed up and pretended to be a “Michele Obama” then went after the president.
Fact is that if I want to hate anyone, I should start with myself. I mean, it takes nothing to hate others. But it takes a whole lot of honesty and tears to hate yourself. For instance, I use people. No; really I do. At a young age I identified a stable relationship as one where the parties use each other for whatever reasons. As long as no one “feels” more used than the other then the relationship will continue to be stable. Think about it. Isn’t that what most of the arguments boil down to? Does “We’re not making love anymore” not compute to {you’re not using me for sex anymore and therefore bringing imbalance to usage scales and probably giving value to someone else}. The disharmony in the relationship doesn’t come from the cheating itself; it comes from not sleeping with the partner. It’s the imbalance in the usage scales that bring up the idea of an affair in the first place.
 I explain this to people soon after I meet them. But some insiders still look at me as the “Big Bad Wolf” and feel sorry for the person who went on to The only things in this life that I feel bad for is 1) eloping, because my dad should have given me away and my mom should have had the pleasure of snarling at my future ex-husband from the front row. 2)  Moving back in with my mom after leaving my husband. And 3) risking the friendship that I had with my best friend by selfishly believing she was being honest when she asked for the life I chose. I knew better when she didn’t and I did it anyways. Regardless of what anyone says, the love was there. It just wasn’t enough like she wanted to prove to me it was. That time I was “The Big Bad Wolf”. I just hope she knows I’m sorry.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Can anyone say "REJECTED" Ouch!

A buddy of mine had been dating a person for over two months. She claimed that this person was everything she had ever dreamed of in a mate. He has a level head, a career, realistic ambitions, big heart and was more than mildly attractive. So, me being the caring friend I am, I asked how everything was going with this person. She said, “He bit the dust!”
“What!” I exclaimed. “You said he was good money!”
“Any money is good money nowadays.” She whined. “You don’t know what it’s like to get rejected. You always get what you want. Who’d fuck over Mother Earth?” (Apparently no one told her about the hole in the ozone layer.)
Now, a couple of months ago two things would have happened. 1) I would have agreed that I don’t get rejected and 2) I would have spouted off a few cliché’s all boiling down to “Anyone who can’t see your splendor doesn’t deserve you”. But life has an annoying way of forcing one to reevaluate their truths…..
I had been talking to a person who I’ll name Cautious for the sake of name-calling and not putting me on blast. Here I was thinking we were getting to know each other and even falling for each other. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I was telling her about my ex who I then lived with and was trying to help get her life back together because I love so hard. I was exclaiming about all my big-hearted/ open-minded ambitions, my free spirit and my three beautiful boys that I wanted to leave an empire. Ironically, what Cautious was hearing is that I didn’t know how to let go of the past and I obviously had a debilitating co-dependent relationship with my ex. AND,  if I didn’t get that straight I’d never reach my full potential so all my other plans are downhill from there. Bad part is that she didn’t think to inform me of this. I broke off even the friendship after realizing I was in that zone and didn’t want to be there. But, not even a week after we stopped talking I saw she was “in love” from her posting on Can anyone say “REJECTED”. Ouch!
Fact is, what I was too co-dependent to realize is that shit is shit. People who get rejected are usually doing one of three things: 1) shitting all over their house, 2) not cleaning the shit that is already hardening , or 3) allowing someone else to shit all over their house. I was number 3. My entire life I prided myself on being a lady and knowing when to leave, but I wouldn’t leave my ex to save my life. I foolishly believed her to be my best friend. I was such an idiot. But what can I say, I did it to myself.
Now I’m dating or re-dating someone who was good for all the wrong reasons back then, but is now just good for me. She put up the caution sign too. “We’ll take it slow and see what happens.” she says. Cautious is hopefully enjoying life and love. And I don’t even know where my ex is anymore. I’m so free, and it looks good on me.
So, the next time you find yourself getting rejected, put down the bucket of cookie dough/ cookie dough  ice-cream and ask yourself, “What am I doing or allowing others to do to my house that makes company not want to come over and stay a while?” You might find that you were the problem all along. The best part about that is “If you’re the problem, then you can also be the solution.” Who knows, maybe I’ll grow enough to invite Cautious and her love on a double date…probably not. But maybe I’ll request her friendship again on  You know, after the sting wares off. Thanks Cautious.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

The Picket Fence May be Extra.

A friend of mine (let’s call her Carla) asked me “How long is long enough to keep trying in a relationship?”
The back story is that Carla has been with the same man for 7 years. He works like if he finishes there won’t be work tomorrow and he’ll get paid for nothing.  He put her in a beautiful home with two cars and they have 2 ½ children that were actually born during the marriage of 5 years. To the outside world they are living the American dream when a lot of people don’t know where their next meal is coming from.
Carla says that her sister; whose situation is quite the opposite mind you, says that she should “Stop complaining and be happy your man has a job.” Still Carla is adamant that while she feels her sister on some levels, she feels empty in her marriage. She says that she sleeps in a bed with a man who financially supports her, rubs her feet when they ache, takes the kids when she needs space, and who even sends flowers just because; yet she’s lonely.
I asked Carla, “Is there anything you gave up to marry him? Any dreams you let die because you had children?”
“NO”, she replied. “Marrying him was my dream.”
Right then I started to lunge for my friend’s throat and play out the scene from a movie I once saw. I’d throw her to the floor and commence to shaking and choking her all the while calling her a “spoiled unappreciative bitch”.  “Do you know how many women would kill to be in your shoes?”  I’d yell in between chokes and shakes. Thank goodness I fought the urge.
Instead I asked, “When’s the last time you had a heart to heart with your husband? She couldn’t remember.  She began venting to me about how her mom’s health was fading and her husband didn’t pretend to care because he doesn’t like her mom.  She talked about how her husband didn’t take part in the emotional stress of her son’s slight disability. It was at this time that I had my revelation.
Carla has a degree in the medical field. Starting her career, plus child support and alimony could keep her bills paid as they are now. When she needs a break she could call a babysitter. When her feet hurt she could go get a pedicure.  Fact is that all the things we were praising her husband for, she could either do or pay someone else to do. The one thing she couldn’t handle was having her own back or being her own support system; hence, her being unfulfilled in her marriage and me daydreaming about choking her in her kitchen.
Fact is, I can’t answer the initial question of when enough is enough. That is a question that only the questionnaire can answer. I will never know how much anyone ever tried to begin with. I can say that a very close friend of mine defined insanity as: doing the exact same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. So if that is the story of your relationship, it may be time to reevaluate it.
But as far as my revelation goes, people have to be aware of what they have to offer and what they are willing to accept in a relationship. Some women are willing to compromise emotional and mental support in exchange for financial support. Some of us will pay our own bills to get the latter.  Hell some of us don’t expect any of these things while others refuse to compromise and are seeking all three facets of offering.  But only you can determine your American dream. And you must be aware that the compromises you make reflect the type of life you will live. Sometimes the picket fence is at a price you’re not willing to pay.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

What Chili Wants (Beautiful idiots in love)

My friend and  I were discussing why she: a beautiful, intelligent, successful woman is single. She said to me, "Women are intimidated because I know what I want.".
I immediately thought about the TV show "What Chili Wants". Every time I see the show I cringe at the thought of all the good women making themselves unavailable by implementing ridiculous standards and expecting to find true love.  So I asked her, "What do you want?" She commenced to running off this long ass list of crap that gave me headache to listen to. So I knew anyone trying to meet the ridiculous qualifications on her list would be exhausted by the time they reached # 4; which was that they had to be successful. This woman had no idea that success is relative. So what she really wanted was for someone to first learn her idea of success, adopt it, then spend the rest of their life perusing it with zealous.
I asked her, "Babe, have you ever been fly fishing or scuba diving? Has anyone ever read to you on a blanket under a tree in the fall? You ever been to a poetry reading?
To all these questions she answered no. So I then asked her could she possibly like these things. She goes, "Maybe. I just never thought about it because I've never done those things."
That brought me to my main point. So at that point I asked does she think she could be limiting herself by knowing what she wants. Thing is, what you know you want is relative to what you've experienced. Therefore any person limiting themselves to what they know could be missing out on new experiences that they may have enjoyed.
My theory for finding the one that suits you is not knowing what you want, but being pretty certain about what you don't want. That way you can weed through the characters you've already dated and open yourself up to knew possibilities. You just might find that special someone.