A friend of mine (let’s call her Carla) asked me “How long is long enough to keep trying in a relationship?”
The back story is that Carla has been with the same man for 7 years. He works like if he finishes there won’t be work tomorrow and he’ll get paid for nothing. He put her in a beautiful home with two cars and they have 2 ½ children that were actually born during the marriage of 5 years. To the outside world they are living the American dream when a lot of people don’t know where their next meal is coming from.
Carla says that her sister; whose situation is quite the opposite mind you, says that she should “Stop complaining and be happy your man has a job.” Still Carla is adamant that while she feels her sister on some levels, she feels empty in her marriage. She says that she sleeps in a bed with a man who financially supports her, rubs her feet when they ache, takes the kids when she needs space, and who even sends flowers just because; yet she’s lonely.
I asked Carla, “Is there anything you gave up to marry him? Any dreams you let die because you had children?”
“NO”, she replied. “Marrying him was my dream.”
Right then I started to lunge for my friend’s throat and play out the scene from a movie I once saw. I’d throw her to the floor and commence to shaking and choking her all the while calling her a “spoiled unappreciative bitch”. “Do you know how many women would kill to be in your shoes?” I’d yell in between chokes and shakes. Thank goodness I fought the urge.
Instead I asked, “When’s the last time you had a heart to heart with your husband? She couldn’t remember. She began venting to me about how her mom’s health was fading and her husband didn’t pretend to care because he doesn’t like her mom. She talked about how her husband didn’t take part in the emotional stress of her son’s slight disability. It was at this time that I had my revelation.
Carla has a degree in the medical field. Starting her career, plus child support and alimony could keep her bills paid as they are now. When she needs a break she could call a babysitter. When her feet hurt she could go get a pedicure. Fact is that all the things we were praising her husband for, she could either do or pay someone else to do. The one thing she couldn’t handle was having her own back or being her own support system; hence, her being unfulfilled in her marriage and me daydreaming about choking her in her kitchen.
Fact is, I can’t answer the initial question of when enough is enough. That is a question that only the questionnaire can answer. I will never know how much anyone ever tried to begin with. I can say that a very close friend of mine defined insanity as: doing the exact same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. So if that is the story of your relationship, it may be time to reevaluate it.
But as far as my revelation goes, people have to be aware of what they have to offer and what they are willing to accept in a relationship. Some women are willing to compromise emotional and mental support in exchange for financial support. Some of us will pay our own bills to get the latter. Hell some of us don’t expect any of these things while others refuse to compromise and are seeking all three facets of offering. But only you can determine your American dream. And you must be aware that the compromises you make reflect the type of life you will live. Sometimes the picket fence is at a price you’re not willing to pay.
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